They say all Hab fans are coaches....

On the eve of handing over a check that my bank account has no business accounting for, I wonder how quickly the money will be returned. Signed over to The Montreal Canadiens, my playoff ticket purchase seems like a joke. I could use the money for other necessities, perhaps pay off my school loans, pay the landlord, or even a down payment on a car. But you see, this is where as a Habs fan black and white blur to gray: somewhere along the way paying 3000$ for playoff tickets becomes more essential than paying your rent.

Welcome, to my life.

Only a year ago, sitting pretty after 73 games I thought there was a chance that I was investing in a Stanley Cup. I skipped my way to the admissions office at the Bell Center, and smiled at the teller. Yeah, we both thought the same thing to ourselves, “This is the year.”

My oh my, how things have changed. I’m waiting until the last day possible to hand in the check, and am pretty positive I’ll be reimbursed for most, if not all of it. I fear being reimbursed. Yes, fear. You heard me right, I’d rather not have my 3000$ returned.

But let’s evaluate the chances here. The team as has 2-3-1 under Coach Bob. Not exactly a promising record. The team plays five of its final nine games against teams that won’t make the playoffs. After having gone 21-11-3 against these teams over the span of the season (as of March 26th) it seems doable…

Easy, right? Wrong.

Despite a moral boosting win on Tuesday night against the Thrashers, this team has started the playoffs three weeks before the rest of the league. Nothing under .500 hockey will do, and even that is pushing it. Anything is possible, but this team needs to screw on their heads, stop partying and realize that they’re not just playing for the crest on their jersey, they’re playing for the mental stability of an entire city.

.500 hockey is an acceptable thing to ask of the team (my, have we lowered our standards since the beginning of the season), but in order for that to happen, improvements need to be made. We know it’s sometimes too much to ask of the team to show up for a full 60 minutes (who knew the game had three periods?!), so if they can’t accomplish that, night in night out, I’ll at least offer a few pointers on what I think needs to happen in order to make the playoffs:

1. Call Carbo.

2. Hype up Markov on some DayQuil– The teams defensive anchor, the teams MVP, and the teams top paid player needs to be on his game every night. As Markov goes, so go your Habs.

3. TKK – Keep this line together. Kovalev, Koivu and Tanguay produced 11 points on Tuesday night, and keeping these three puck-hogs together will keep the other team guessing where the puck is going and who’s going to be the greediest. (I’ll put my money on Kovy, you know this guy loves being the crowds savior.)

The Geriatrics – Schnieder and Brisebois can’t perform at their best every night when they’re playing 16 minutes or more. Slow and steady wins the race for these guys. Play them the minimum and you’ll get the maximum out of them.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CLEAR THE PUCK – Look, when the most difficult aspect of a game appears to be clearing your zone, you got problems.

Less Is More – The less shots you allow, the more of a chance you have to win the game. Expecting Halak and (especially) Price to stop 47 shots a game is ridiculous. See: Clear the puck.

Forecheck – def: Skate deep into the offensive end to check the defensive puck carrier aggressively in hopes of forcing a turnover. (The Complete Hockey Dictionary.)

On a positive note, sitting in 8th place wouldn’t be such a devastating place to be. We’d face the Boston Bruins, the only team we’ve beaten in the playoffs since 1996.

That’s 13 years ago, in case you’re not good at math.